Britain’s new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has today announced a training scheme aimed at would-be terrorists, to ensure that future terrorists might meet the high standards expected by the UK.
“In recent days we’ve seen some shoddy half-arsed work from so-called terrorists”, he said in his gravelly Scottish tones, “there was a time when you could rely on terrorists to demolish whole buildings, freeing up high value land for development and scaring the public into accepting punitive restrictions and unethical wars. These recent so-called suicide bombers aren’t even very good at killing themselves, and their bomb making skills are so bad they could have learnt them on wikipedia.”
The scheme, to be known as ‘Arming and Retraining Misguided Youths’ will be aimed at young men from all social and ethnic groups who are disaffected, unemployed and have violent tendencies, and the PM thinks it should also help keep the youngsters out of trouble, “teaching them to cause mayhem on a global scale is going to keep them off the streets”, he said earnestly, trying to be like Tony.
In true Brown style, funding for the initiative is to be self-sustaining through a new tax, “It’s high time we put a tax on fear”, he said, “This will create a new national market in fear which we’ll be able to farm out to private finance in a few years”, he continued with an inane grin, “everyone will have to pay every time they get scared, and this in turn will fund the bad guys who should then get more scary. It’s a whole new economy and should push up Britain’s annual economic growth by an extra quarter percent before 2012. The sheer amount of fear generated around the time of the Olympic Games could even make them self-funding. ”
“I’m sure Mr Brown knows what’s best for us”, said Winnie Witless, a stomach-churning mother of three from somewhere ghastly in middle England, “if a tax on fear is what it takes to protect my children then maybe that’s what we need”.
An anonymous fundamentalist source was quoted as saying, “Brown is an infidel who will never know how to train holy warriors. Only we are instructed by God to bring terror to all those who oppose us and occupy our lands.”
The source later turned out to be a spokesman for Tory leader David Cameron.