Whyanair introduces clothing surcharge

Pants fees will boost profits, says analyst
Michael O’Looney, CEO of cheapskate airline Whyanair, today announced that from next month passengers will need to pay a surcharge if they wish to wear clothing on his planes.

“Clothing is weight and so adds to our fuel costs, and it also complicates security checks”, he explained with a wry grin, “so in line with our policy of charging for everything we can possibly think of, we’re introducing this charge. It’s strictly optional of course, if you don’t want to bring clothing onto the flight there’s no need to pay.”

Jamie Broker-Henderson, a posh nob at some pompous-sounding financial firm, said that he was marking up Whyanair stock as a result of the move, “O’Looney’s pulled another master stroke from up his sleeve”, he guffawed, “Everyone’s saying that people are tightening their belts at the moment, but Michael’s passengers will have to pay before they can wear one at all.”

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Recession-hit drug barons seek bail-out

Limbs are at risk, say pushers

Dave, 26, set up his dealership in Brixton 3 years ago, “From the start I was aiming for a one stop shop”, he says proudly, “people round ‘ere come to me for everything; I got 32 different varieties of Hashish and the finest Crack Cocaine”. At first Dave went from strength to strength, and even expanded, taking over the activities of his neighbour Darren. “Daz wasn’t makin’ the most of his clientèle”, explains Dave, “I like to up-sell; if a kid’s been in for Hashish a few times you can normally tempt ’em with some Amphetamines or MDMA, and the margins are much higher. I doubled profits from Darren’s operation, and got better deals with my suppliers as well”.

Towards the end of last year though, things started to look less rosy, “This credit crunch has caused most of my clients to cut right back”, he explains, “Last August I was takin’ in over two thousand nicker a week, now it’s down to five ‘undred and I’ve gotta be honest mate, I’m struggling. I bought ten grand’s worth of stock four months back and I can’t shift it at a high enough price. My suppliers are starting to get nasty and I even had to sell my Beamer”.

Dave says he’s typical of a section of society that has been forgotten by the government, “I got a wife and kids to feed like everyone else, and narcotics is what I do, what I’ve always done”, he barks indignantly, “The banks and car makers reckon they’re in trouble with debts, but they can declare bankruptcy; it’s a much more serious situation for me, my legs are at risk for a start. It’ll cost the economy more in the long run if I end up in intensive care and my family ends up with AIDS from being sold on the streets. This government just doesn’t care about ordinary hard-working people like me.”

Richard Marin, of the Mainland Association of Small Hash and Ecstasy Dealers (MASHED), agrees, “People just don’t realise how much these guys put their lives on the line just to keep them in space land”, he said, “without the investment and dedication of guys like Dave the British drug industry is doomed. This government’s politically correct anti-drugs agenda isn’t helping anyone; our country has a proud history of narcotic consumption, people rely on a few hits to make it through the day and thousands of British jobs depend on it”.

Neutering reduces HIV risk ‘by 98%’

Chopping is key to disease-stopping, say experts

Male neutering could be the answer to the HIV epidemic in Africa, a new study has revealed, with infection rates reduced by upwards of 98% amongst men who volunteered for the study.

Neutering, in which the man’s penis and testicles are surgically removed, was said to be popular amongst the ancient Egyptians, but this is the first time that it has been tested under scientific conditions. Neutered men are commonly known as Eunuchs and lose all desire and capability for sex. Witch doctors in Africa have long practised neutering as a cure for severe ailments; and more recently the genitals of virgin boys have been said to cure HIV.

“The penis is highly susceptible to infection, particularly during sexual intercourse”, said Dr Gary Gritter, speaking from his secret laboratory in Vietnam, “if I cut mens’ willies off with my big sharp knife this will prevent them from ever catching sexually transmitted diseases, and besides, it’ll be fun.”

The study involved 2000 men, around half of whom were neutered, and half of whom weren’t. The study found that after 3 months 52 of the un-neutered group contracted HIV, wheras only one of the neutered group was diagnosed with the disease. It is thought that this man caught the disease through the use of unsterilised surgical instruments for his operation. A further five of the neutered men died from complications after the operation but this, a rate of about 0.5%, was deemed “normal” by the researchers.

“We are planning a mass neutering programme of African men as I speak”, said Kevin DeBollock of some important-sounding organisation, “we’re gonna start with the kids, because they won’t be able to say no, and because Gary’s dead keen. Plus we’re expecting a roaring trade in severed genitals from the witch doctors and other quacks. As a bonus these impoverished n*ggers won’t be able to reproduce any more, saving us all a whole lot of aid money in the future. It’s win win win all round.”

Mr DeBollock was particularly dismissive of the idea that mass neutering of African men might be unethical and that distributing free condoms might be a more reasonable strategy, “neutering is going to save thousands of lives”, he said, “and big sharp knives are far more readily available in Africa than condoms.”

“Being neutered makes you more of a man”, he added firmly in his high-pitched tones.

“No Limits” in the West End

There’s “We will rock you”, “Mamma Mia” and now “Thriller”, but if you haven’t had enough of tacky musicals consisting of chorus line renditions of once-respected pop acts, you’ll be ecstatic to hear that yet another legend of contemporary music is set to produce one. Nineties dance act 2 Unlimited want you to “Get ready for this”; their spectacular new collaboration with Andrew Lloyd-Wubbler and Tim Spaghetti. Entitled “No Limits: Reach for the Sky”, it follows the trials and tribulations of two people trying to come up with new ideas for West End shows. All the big hits are there, “Twilight Zone”, “Workaholic”, “Let the beat control your body”, and who could forget, “The Magic Friend” ?

Also apparently in production, entitled “Spaceman”, is a show featuring the songs of another legendary 90s act, Babylon Zoo. Rumour has it that the cast have been subjected to an intense fitness regime and that every performance involves the inhalation of a large amount of helium.

PM announces YTS scheme for terrorists

Britain’s new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has today announced a training scheme aimed at would-be terrorists, to ensure that future terrorists might meet the high standards expected by the UK.

“In recent days we’ve seen some shoddy half-arsed work from so-called terrorists”, he said in his gravelly Scottish tones, “there was a time when you could rely on terrorists to demolish whole buildings, freeing up high value land for development and scaring the public into accepting punitive restrictions and unethical wars. These recent so-called suicide bombers aren’t even very good at killing themselves, and their bomb making skills are so bad they could have learnt them on wikipedia.”

The scheme, to be known as ‘Arming and Retraining Misguided Youths’ will be aimed at young men from all social and ethnic groups who are disaffected, unemployed and have violent tendencies, and the PM thinks it should also help keep the youngsters out of trouble, “teaching them to cause mayhem on a global scale is going to keep them off the streets”, he said earnestly, trying to be like Tony.

In true Brown style, funding for the initiative is to be self-sustaining through a new tax, “It’s high time we put a tax on fear”, he said, “This will create a new national market in fear which we’ll be able to farm out to private finance in a few years”, he continued with an inane grin, “everyone will have to pay every time they get scared, and this in turn will fund the bad guys who should then get more scary. It’s a whole new economy and should push up Britain’s annual economic growth by an extra quarter percent before 2012. The sheer amount of fear generated around the time of the Olympic Games could even make them self-funding. ”

“I’m sure Mr Brown knows what’s best for us”, said Winnie Witless, a stomach-churning mother of three from somewhere ghastly in middle England, “if a tax on fear is what it takes to protect my children then maybe that’s what we need”.

An anonymous fundamentalist source was quoted as saying, “Brown is an infidel who will never know how to train holy warriors. Only we are instructed by God to bring terror to all those who oppose us and occupy our lands.”

The source later turned out to be a spokesman for Tory leader David Cameron.

Ex-voters celebrate windfall as price hits new high

“Right to sell” most popular policy ever, according to polls

Thousands of new ex-voters packed out bars in London’s Soho last night as the prices paid for votes under the government’s “right to sell” policy reached record highs.

“I was a voter in an East London marginal”, said one reveller, “I’d been considering selling for some time but today I got an offer of half a million and I just couldn’t turn it down. I’m going to buy a new house and go a wicked holiday. I never cared about politics, they’re all the bloody same anyway.”

Under the scheme, which polls are now showing as the most successful government policy ever in the history of British democracy, voters are given the right to make an absolute sale of their political identity to anyone they choose. Records are updated to ensure that all further voting, polling and demonstration rights are passed to the new owner. The identity of most purchasers has so far remained a mystery, though those who got in early and picked up bargain votes from the poor and desperate have seen a massive return on their investment.

Some analysts have suggested that votes are being purchased en masse by large corporations to enhance their lobbying power, but this speculation is being dismissed as “lefty loony propaganda” by the press. Indeed, many newspapers have been actively encouraging voters to sell up by including cut-out complete and return forms.

Britain’s new Prime Minister, Vladimir Abramovich, whose new ‘Kings of Great Britain’ party won yesterday’s surprise General Election, said, “This is most successful ever policy of British government. 41.3% of electorate rich and happy.”, he continued before stopping to answer his mobile phone, “Da da, kharasho”, he said into his gold-plated handset before grinning inanely and announcing, “you can make that 47.4%”.

“36.2% of the electorate is definitely not happy today”, said opposition leader Rupert Morduch, whose ‘United States of the Atlantic’ party won only a few seats short of Abramovich, “Sell right now using the form in the Sun, we guarantee to beat any offer you get from those commie bastards.”

In other news, police appear to have now ruled out suspicion in the death, three days ago, of most of the Government in a food poisoning incident, “It was a tragic accident”, said newly-appointed Chief Inspector Putivskiy, “and the conspiracy theorists are at it again. These people need to get a grip on reality as their sick and twisted lies are worrying and upsetting the weak and gullible.”

Caffeine ‘creates drug addicts’

Cafe culture leads to violent crime

Parents are being warned today to look out for signs of caffeine addiction, which some dodgy study has shown to be steeply on the rise amongst teenagers.

“It might start off fairly harmlessly with a thermos flask of Nicecafe being passed around in the park”, said Doris Pious, spokesperson for some self-righteous parents group, “but before you know it they’re using cafetieres or other paraphenialia and chewing on raw coffee beans. It’s only one step from there to injecting Heroin. ”

“Once smack addicts they’re sure to become homosexuals and catch AIDS”, she continued, wringing her hands earnestly, “Coffee might be a handy pick-me-up for hungover office workers, but it’s harming our kids in a big way”.

Pious wants the government to ban the sales of all caffeine containing products to under 21s, and introduce a licensing scheme for sales outlets. She is also lobbying the EU for health warnings to be printed on polystyrene cups and wooden stirring sticks.

“It’s true caffeine is a drug”, said a government spokesman sipping a cup of strong black tea, “but surely everyone knows that drugs are ok if they come in drinkable form. It’s only the funny smoking and necking of multicoloured capsules or pills with cute pictures on them that leads to a spiral of addiction, crime and sexual deviance”.