Caffeine ‘creates drug addicts’

Cafe culture leads to violent crime

Parents are being warned today to look out for signs of caffeine addiction, which some dodgy study has shown to be steeply on the rise amongst teenagers.

“It might start off fairly harmlessly with a thermos flask of Nicecafe being passed around in the park”, said Doris Pious, spokesperson for some self-righteous parents group, “but before you know it they’re using cafetieres or other paraphenialia and chewing on raw coffee beans. It’s only one step from there to injecting Heroin. ”

“Once smack addicts they’re sure to become homosexuals and catch AIDS”, she continued, wringing her hands earnestly, “Coffee might be a handy pick-me-up for hungover office workers, but it’s harming our kids in a big way”.

Pious wants the government to ban the sales of all caffeine containing products to under 21s, and introduce a licensing scheme for sales outlets. She is also lobbying the EU for health warnings to be printed on polystyrene cups and wooden stirring sticks.

“It’s true caffeine is a drug”, said a government spokesman sipping a cup of strong black tea, “but surely everyone knows that drugs are ok if they come in drinkable form. It’s only the funny smoking and necking of multicoloured capsules or pills with cute pictures on them that leads to a spiral of addiction, crime and sexual deviance”.


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