“Right to sell” most popular policy ever, according to polls
Thousands of new ex-voters packed out bars in London’s Soho last night as the prices paid for votes under the government’s “right to sell” policy reached record highs.
“I was a voter in an East London marginal”, said one reveller, “I’d been considering selling for some time but today I got an offer of half a million and I just couldn’t turn it down. I’m going to buy a new house and go a wicked holiday. I never cared about politics, they’re all the bloody same anyway.”
Under the scheme, which polls are now showing as the most successful government policy ever in the history of British democracy, voters are given the right to make an absolute sale of their political identity to anyone they choose. Records are updated to ensure that all further voting, polling and demonstration rights are passed to the new owner. The identity of most purchasers has so far remained a mystery, though those who got in early and picked up bargain votes from the poor and desperate have seen a massive return on their investment.
Some analysts have suggested that votes are being purchased en masse by large corporations to enhance their lobbying power, but this speculation is being dismissed as “lefty loony propaganda” by the press. Indeed, many newspapers have been actively encouraging voters to sell up by including cut-out complete and return forms.
Britain’s new Prime Minister, Vladimir Abramovich, whose new ‘Kings of Great Britain’ party won yesterday’s surprise General Election, said, “This is most successful ever policy of British government. 41.3% of electorate rich and happy.”, he continued before stopping to answer his mobile phone, “Da da, kharasho”, he said into his gold-plated handset before grinning inanely and announcing, “you can make that 47.4%”.
“36.2% of the electorate is definitely not happy today”, said opposition leader Rupert Morduch, whose ‘United States of the Atlantic’ party won only a few seats short of Abramovich, “Sell right now using the form in the Sun, we guarantee to beat any offer you get from those commie bastards.”
In other news, police appear to have now ruled out suspicion in the death, three days ago, of most of the Government in a food poisoning incident, “It was a tragic accident”, said newly-appointed Chief Inspector Putivskiy, “and the conspiracy theorists are at it again. These people need to get a grip on reality as their sick and twisted lies are worrying and upsetting the weak and gullible.”