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Maybe you have them all the time? Where there’s blame, there’s a claim, but doesn’t all the paperwork tire you out?

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*Injuries may be life-threatening or involve permanent disability. Claim Finance Direct is indemnified against everything you can think of, and can kick the crap out of you whenever we like without justification. Regular payments are not guaranteed or in fact likely.

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Recession-hit drug barons seek bail-out

Limbs are at risk, say pushers

Dave, 26, set up his dealership in Brixton 3 years ago, “From the start I was aiming for a one stop shop”, he says proudly, “people round ‘ere come to me for everything; I got 32 different varieties of Hashish and the finest Crack Cocaine”. At first Dave went from strength to strength, and even expanded, taking over the activities of his neighbour Darren. “Daz wasn’t makin’ the most of his clientèle”, explains Dave, “I like to up-sell; if a kid’s been in for Hashish a few times you can normally tempt ’em with some Amphetamines or MDMA, and the margins are much higher. I doubled profits from Darren’s operation, and got better deals with my suppliers as well”.

Towards the end of last year though, things started to look less rosy, “This credit crunch has caused most of my clients to cut right back”, he explains, “Last August I was takin’ in over two thousand nicker a week, now it’s down to five ‘undred and I’ve gotta be honest mate, I’m struggling. I bought ten grand’s worth of stock four months back and I can’t shift it at a high enough price. My suppliers are starting to get nasty and I even had to sell my Beamer”.

Dave says he’s typical of a section of society that has been forgotten by the government, “I got a wife and kids to feed like everyone else, and narcotics is what I do, what I’ve always done”, he barks indignantly, “The banks and car makers reckon they’re in trouble with debts, but they can declare bankruptcy; it’s a much more serious situation for me, my legs are at risk for a start. It’ll cost the economy more in the long run if I end up in intensive care and my family ends up with AIDS from being sold on the streets. This government just doesn’t care about ordinary hard-working people like me.”

Richard Marin, of the Mainland Association of Small Hash and Ecstasy Dealers (MASHED), agrees, “People just don’t realise how much these guys put their lives on the line just to keep them in space land”, he said, “without the investment and dedication of guys like Dave the British drug industry is doomed. This government’s politically correct anti-drugs agenda isn’t helping anyone; our country has a proud history of narcotic consumption, people rely on a few hits to make it through the day and thousands of British jobs depend on it”.

Neutering reduces HIV risk ‘by 98%’

Chopping is key to disease-stopping, say experts

Male neutering could be the answer to the HIV epidemic in Africa, a new study has revealed, with infection rates reduced by upwards of 98% amongst men who volunteered for the study.

Neutering, in which the man’s penis and testicles are surgically removed, was said to be popular amongst the ancient Egyptians, but this is the first time that it has been tested under scientific conditions. Neutered men are commonly known as Eunuchs and lose all desire and capability for sex. Witch doctors in Africa have long practised neutering as a cure for severe ailments; and more recently the genitals of virgin boys have been said to cure HIV.

“The penis is highly susceptible to infection, particularly during sexual intercourse”, said Dr Gary Gritter, speaking from his secret laboratory in Vietnam, “if I cut mens’ willies off with my big sharp knife this will prevent them from ever catching sexually transmitted diseases, and besides, it’ll be fun.”

The study involved 2000 men, around half of whom were neutered, and half of whom weren’t. The study found that after 3 months 52 of the un-neutered group contracted HIV, wheras only one of the neutered group was diagnosed with the disease. It is thought that this man caught the disease through the use of unsterilised surgical instruments for his operation. A further five of the neutered men died from complications after the operation but this, a rate of about 0.5%, was deemed “normal” by the researchers.

“We are planning a mass neutering programme of African men as I speak”, said Kevin DeBollock of some important-sounding organisation, “we’re gonna start with the kids, because they won’t be able to say no, and because Gary’s dead keen. Plus we’re expecting a roaring trade in severed genitals from the witch doctors and other quacks. As a bonus these impoverished n*ggers won’t be able to reproduce any more, saving us all a whole lot of aid money in the future. It’s win win win all round.”

Mr DeBollock was particularly dismissive of the idea that mass neutering of African men might be unethical and that distributing free condoms might be a more reasonable strategy, “neutering is going to save thousands of lives”, he said, “and big sharp knives are far more readily available in Africa than condoms.”

“Being neutered makes you more of a man”, he added firmly in his high-pitched tones.