Neutering reduces HIV risk ‘by 98%’

Chopping is key to disease-stopping, say experts

Male neutering could be the answer to the HIV epidemic in Africa, a new study has revealed, with infection rates reduced by upwards of 98% amongst men who volunteered for the study.

Neutering, in which the man’s penis and testicles are surgically removed, was said to be popular amongst the ancient Egyptians, but this is the first time that it has been tested under scientific conditions. Neutered men are commonly known as Eunuchs and lose all desire and capability for sex. Witch doctors in Africa have long practised neutering as a cure for severe ailments; and more recently the genitals of virgin boys have been said to cure HIV.

“The penis is highly susceptible to infection, particularly during sexual intercourse”, said Dr Gary Gritter, speaking from his secret laboratory in Vietnam, “if I cut mens’ willies off with my big sharp knife this will prevent them from ever catching sexually transmitted diseases, and besides, it’ll be fun.”

The study involved 2000 men, around half of whom were neutered, and half of whom weren’t. The study found that after 3 months 52 of the un-neutered group contracted HIV, wheras only one of the neutered group was diagnosed with the disease. It is thought that this man caught the disease through the use of unsterilised surgical instruments for his operation. A further five of the neutered men died from complications after the operation but this, a rate of about 0.5%, was deemed “normal” by the researchers.

“We are planning a mass neutering programme of African men as I speak”, said Kevin DeBollock of some important-sounding organisation, “we’re gonna start with the kids, because they won’t be able to say no, and because Gary’s dead keen. Plus we’re expecting a roaring trade in severed genitals from the witch doctors and other quacks. As a bonus these impoverished n*ggers won’t be able to reproduce any more, saving us all a whole lot of aid money in the future. It’s win win win all round.”

Mr DeBollock was particularly dismissive of the idea that mass neutering of African men might be unethical and that distributing free condoms might be a more reasonable strategy, “neutering is going to save thousands of lives”, he said, “and big sharp knives are far more readily available in Africa than condoms.”

“Being neutered makes you more of a man”, he added firmly in his high-pitched tones.

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One response to “Neutering reduces HIV risk ‘by 98%’

  1. Yup, no question about it, neutering is the ultimate solution to HIV, at least for males.

    Though it has to be said, in fairness, if moist mucosal tissue is the villain which harbors the virus of HIV, and circumcision or neutering is the solution on the male side of the sexual equation, how are we to deal with the much larger mucosal surface area of females, a veritable cesspool of viruses of all kinds?

    Hmmmm. I see a problem ahead –or a surgical opportunity.

    John Geisheker
    Attorney at Law
    Director and General Counsel
    Doctors Opposing Circumcision
    Seattle

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