Category Archives: Dying Democracy

Neutering reduces HIV risk ‘by 98%’

Chopping is key to disease-stopping, say experts

Male neutering could be the answer to the HIV epidemic in Africa, a new study has revealed, with infection rates reduced by upwards of 98% amongst men who volunteered for the study.

Neutering, in which the man’s penis and testicles are surgically removed, was said to be popular amongst the ancient Egyptians, but this is the first time that it has been tested under scientific conditions. Neutered men are commonly known as Eunuchs and lose all desire and capability for sex. Witch doctors in Africa have long practised neutering as a cure for severe ailments; and more recently the genitals of virgin boys have been said to cure HIV.

“The penis is highly susceptible to infection, particularly during sexual intercourse”, said Dr Gary Gritter, speaking from his secret laboratory in Vietnam, “if I cut mens’ willies off with my big sharp knife this will prevent them from ever catching sexually transmitted diseases, and besides, it’ll be fun.”

The study involved 2000 men, around half of whom were neutered, and half of whom weren’t. The study found that after 3 months 52 of the un-neutered group contracted HIV, wheras only one of the neutered group was diagnosed with the disease. It is thought that this man caught the disease through the use of unsterilised surgical instruments for his operation. A further five of the neutered men died from complications after the operation but this, a rate of about 0.5%, was deemed “normal” by the researchers.

“We are planning a mass neutering programme of African men as I speak”, said Kevin DeBollock of some important-sounding organisation, “we’re gonna start with the kids, because they won’t be able to say no, and because Gary’s dead keen. Plus we’re expecting a roaring trade in severed genitals from the witch doctors and other quacks. As a bonus these impoverished n*ggers won’t be able to reproduce any more, saving us all a whole lot of aid money in the future. It’s win win win all round.”

Mr DeBollock was particularly dismissive of the idea that mass neutering of African men might be unethical and that distributing free condoms might be a more reasonable strategy, “neutering is going to save thousands of lives”, he said, “and big sharp knives are far more readily available in Africa than condoms.”

“Being neutered makes you more of a man”, he added firmly in his high-pitched tones.

Ex-voters celebrate windfall as price hits new high

“Right to sell” most popular policy ever, according to polls

Thousands of new ex-voters packed out bars in London’s Soho last night as the prices paid for votes under the government’s “right to sell” policy reached record highs.

“I was a voter in an East London marginal”, said one reveller, “I’d been considering selling for some time but today I got an offer of half a million and I just couldn’t turn it down. I’m going to buy a new house and go a wicked holiday. I never cared about politics, they’re all the bloody same anyway.”

Under the scheme, which polls are now showing as the most successful government policy ever in the history of British democracy, voters are given the right to make an absolute sale of their political identity to anyone they choose. Records are updated to ensure that all further voting, polling and demonstration rights are passed to the new owner. The identity of most purchasers has so far remained a mystery, though those who got in early and picked up bargain votes from the poor and desperate have seen a massive return on their investment.

Some analysts have suggested that votes are being purchased en masse by large corporations to enhance their lobbying power, but this speculation is being dismissed as “lefty loony propaganda” by the press. Indeed, many newspapers have been actively encouraging voters to sell up by including cut-out complete and return forms.

Britain’s new Prime Minister, Vladimir Abramovich, whose new ‘Kings of Great Britain’ party won yesterday’s surprise General Election, said, “This is most successful ever policy of British government. 41.3% of electorate rich and happy.”, he continued before stopping to answer his mobile phone, “Da da, kharasho”, he said into his gold-plated handset before grinning inanely and announcing, “you can make that 47.4%”.

“36.2% of the electorate is definitely not happy today”, said opposition leader Rupert Morduch, whose ‘United States of the Atlantic’ party won only a few seats short of Abramovich, “Sell right now using the form in the Sun, we guarantee to beat any offer you get from those commie bastards.”

In other news, police appear to have now ruled out suspicion in the death, three days ago, of most of the Government in a food poisoning incident, “It was a tragic accident”, said newly-appointed Chief Inspector Putivskiy, “and the conspiracy theorists are at it again. These people need to get a grip on reality as their sick and twisted lies are worrying and upsetting the weak and gullible.”