Category Archives: Lobbying Loons

Recession-hit drug barons seek bail-out

Limbs are at risk, say pushers

Dave, 26, set up his dealership in Brixton 3 years ago, “From the start I was aiming for a one stop shop”, he says proudly, “people round ‘ere come to me for everything; I got 32 different varieties of Hashish and the finest Crack Cocaine”. At first Dave went from strength to strength, and even expanded, taking over the activities of his neighbour Darren. “Daz wasn’t makin’ the most of his clientèle”, explains Dave, “I like to up-sell; if a kid’s been in for Hashish a few times you can normally tempt ’em with some Amphetamines or MDMA, and the margins are much higher. I doubled profits from Darren’s operation, and got better deals with my suppliers as well”.

Towards the end of last year though, things started to look less rosy, “This credit crunch has caused most of my clients to cut right back”, he explains, “Last August I was takin’ in over two thousand nicker a week, now it’s down to five ‘undred and I’ve gotta be honest mate, I’m struggling. I bought ten grand’s worth of stock four months back and I can’t shift it at a high enough price. My suppliers are starting to get nasty and I even had to sell my Beamer”.

Dave says he’s typical of a section of society that has been forgotten by the government, “I got a wife and kids to feed like everyone else, and narcotics is what I do, what I’ve always done”, he barks indignantly, “The banks and car makers reckon they’re in trouble with debts, but they can declare bankruptcy; it’s a much more serious situation for me, my legs are at risk for a start. It’ll cost the economy more in the long run if I end up in intensive care and my family ends up with AIDS from being sold on the streets. This government just doesn’t care about ordinary hard-working people like me.”

Richard Marin, of the Mainland Association of Small Hash and Ecstasy Dealers (MASHED), agrees, “People just don’t realise how much these guys put their lives on the line just to keep them in space land”, he said, “without the investment and dedication of guys like Dave the British drug industry is doomed. This government’s politically correct anti-drugs agenda isn’t helping anyone; our country has a proud history of narcotic consumption, people rely on a few hits to make it through the day and thousands of British jobs depend on it”.

Caffeine ‘creates drug addicts’

Cafe culture leads to violent crime

Parents are being warned today to look out for signs of caffeine addiction, which some dodgy study has shown to be steeply on the rise amongst teenagers.

“It might start off fairly harmlessly with a thermos flask of Nicecafe being passed around in the park”, said Doris Pious, spokesperson for some self-righteous parents group, “but before you know it they’re using cafetieres or other paraphenialia and chewing on raw coffee beans. It’s only one step from there to injecting Heroin. ”

“Once smack addicts they’re sure to become homosexuals and catch AIDS”, she continued, wringing her hands earnestly, “Coffee might be a handy pick-me-up for hungover office workers, but it’s harming our kids in a big way”.

Pious wants the government to ban the sales of all caffeine containing products to under 21s, and introduce a licensing scheme for sales outlets. She is also lobbying the EU for health warnings to be printed on polystyrene cups and wooden stirring sticks.

“It’s true caffeine is a drug”, said a government spokesman sipping a cup of strong black tea, “but surely everyone knows that drugs are ok if they come in drinkable form. It’s only the funny smoking and necking of multicoloured capsules or pills with cute pictures on them that leads to a spiral of addiction, crime and sexual deviance”.